What’s a fair way to split chores when one partner works longer hours

Think of fairness as matching capacity, not forcing a daily 50-50. Do a one-time sit down to list every recurring task and estimate minutes per week for each. Use your work hours to set proportional weekly targets. For example, if you work 40 hours and your partner averages 55, you might aim for roughly 60 percent of the total chore minutes and they do 40. Put the targets and task owners on a whiteboard or shared note so it is visible and not living in one person's head.

Create two modes. Normal mode when hours are typical, and heavy week mode when they have 10-12 hour shifts. In heavy mode your partner only covers must-do personal stuff like their laundry and a quick tidy, and you absorb the rest, then you rebalance on their days off with a couple of longer tasks they prefer. Keep a few fixed owners to reduce mental load, like one person owns bills and litter boxes, and rotate the "manager" for groceries and appointments each month so the planning burden is shared. Set a minimum standard so you both know what "good enough" looks like, and agree that deep cleaning stacks to weekends. Do a 15 minute check-in each week to answer three things: what's heavy for each of you, what can slide, and what help is needed. When schedules change day to day, use a quick text rule like whoever is home first starts dinner and dishes, and the other closes the kitchen for 10 minutes before bed.

I miss when we stuck the chore list on the fridge next to the printed photos and just crossed things off. You will think it is balanced and then a week will knock you both sideways. Aim for kindness and hot food more than perfect symmetry and and keep talking when it stops feeling fair.

Think proportional, not equal. If one person works 60 hours and the other 40, aim for a similar ratio on house work and mental load. Establish a baseline of daily essentials you cover when you are home earlier, and assign heavier or weekend tasks to the longer-shift partner's off days. Do a 10 minute weekly check-in to reassign for the coming week and to clear any brewing resentment. Use a visible board so expectations live outside your heads. Protect rest blocks after very long shifts and compensate on the next lighter day.

Hey Luca!

Fair is not 50 50 when the gas tank is not the same. Longer hours mean less energy and fewer usable hours at home and so the person who gets home earlier usually runs point that day. Count commute and recovery time, not just clocked hours, because showing up exhausted still counts as a cost. People also inflate their contributions in memory, so write it down where both of you can see it.

If money is the reason one person works those shifts, spend some of it to buy time. Rotisserie chicken and a once a month cleaner are cheaper than resentment. Assign ownership by area for a week at a time instead of slicing tasks into infinity. One person owns kitchen outcomes this week, the other owns laundry and floors, and you swap next week. No minute by minute scorekeeping, just outcomes by Sunday night. Have a default rule for surprises, like if a shift runs over, the at home person handles dinner and bedtime minimums.

On 12s, I can do dishes and a wipe down, nothing more. We keep a whiteboard with dates of long shifts and the other person owns the day. Batch cook on your lighter day and freeze portions. When my stretch ends, I take the next deep clean so it evens out.

Whiteboard plus a shared spreadsheet beats any paid app.