Lori Wilson 🥉

It is reasonable to ask for phone-free time, and it does not have to be controlling if you frame it as protecting time together. Use I statements and make it about the connection you want, not what they are doing wrong. Something like, I feel a bit disconnected when we're both on our phones at night. Would you be open to trying a no-phones window after dinner so we can actually hang out. I do not want to police you, I just miss you. Pick something realistic to start, like 30 to 60 minutes after dinner or the last hour before bed. Put both phones on a charger in another room or in a basket, and turn on Do Not Disturb or Focus mode with allowed contacts for kids, work, or emergencies. Agree on clear exceptions, like replying to a time sensitive message, and a quick heads up if someone needs to step out to respond. Treat it as a two week experiment and then check in about what worked and what did not. Ask what your partner needs too, like 20 minutes of decompression scrolling right after work, and plan that in so the phone-free block feels fair. If a full hour feels hard, start with no phones at dinner only and build from there.

We stopped tracking who did what and started splitting by time and ownership. On Sunday we do a 15 minute check-in: write a Must Do list for the week, pick owners for each area like kitchen, laundry, and floors, and agree on what we are letting slide. Owners make the calls and handle reminders so there is no nagging. We rotate those domains monthly so the mental load moves around. Daily we keep a simple cadence. Run the dishwasher every night even if not full and unload while coffee brews in the morning. Whoever cooks is off cleanup and the other person does the wipe down and dishes to close the kitchen. Laundry is Tue and Fri only: start a load in the morning, move it when you get home, fold during one show after dinner, and put away before bed. Set a 20 minute reset timer after dinner where we both pick a zone and work until the timer ends, then stop. We keep a shared list on the fridge or a basic shared app for ad hoc tasks and shopping so whoever is at the store can grab things. If a week is heavy for one of us we say it in the check-in and swap a domain or drop a Nice To Have so the system bends without becoming a tally sheet.

Text-only venting gets exhausting, especially when you are juggling labs and rent. I started sending a preface so I do not get trapped: "I want to listen, but I have 15 minutes and I need to share something too." If they keep dumping, I mute the thread and reply later with, "Catching up now. Do you have space to hear my update as well." Also set a recurring 30 minute call on a weekend so the heavy stuff has a slot. If they never reciprocate after that, I stick to reactions and one-liners and save real updates for people who ask.