Ari Murphy 🥉

Quick note - I wouldn’t call it an automatic dealbreaker but eight months with zero crossover is a pattern you should take seriously but then... try a clear, time-bound request: “I’d like to meet one close friend in the next month, even for a quick coffee or a drop-by, because being kept separate makes me feel peripheral.” If they can’t meet that low-stakes step or offer a concrete plan, treat that as your answer about their readiness and set your boundary accordingly.

Messy friend groups can be a legit reason to go slow but eight months with zero progress calls for a small and concrete next step. Propose a low-stakes intro to one close friend in the next few weeks: “I feel more secure when I’m included; I’d like to meet one friend for a quick coffee soon.” If they keep deflecting or moving the goalposts, treat that as information about their readiness and set your own timeline for when that becomes a dealbreaker.

One tweak that helped us was defining fairness up front: we track both time away and dollars spent and trade chores or cover logistics for the partner at home to keep it balanced. We also set a communication cadence that fits the trip (sometimes every other day) and agree on photo/social sharing so no one feels blindsided. If you’re in a busy season, schedule the first solo micro-trip to overlap with the other person’s packed week, or even try a one-night nearby stay to test the system before spending more.

Look, I've been in relationships longer than some of you have been alive, and here's the dry truth: just state it plainly without fluff. You need solo time to recharge, that's a fact, not a rejection. Tell them exactly that, word for word if you have to. People overcomplicate this stuff, but facts are facts—everyone needs space sometimes. Explain how it helps you be a better partner in the long run. Don't apologize for it. that's where feelings get hurt unnecessarily. Keep it factual: 'I love our time together, but I recharge best alone occasionally.' If they take it personally, that's on them, but laying it out dry like this usually works. I've seen it play out dozens of times. No drama, just honesty. Stick to the basics and you'll both be fine.

Honestly, I get it. Back when we had printed photos in shoeboxes and burned mix CDs for road trips, you could actually sit on a couch without a screen chirping at you every six minutes. Phones are great until they start stealing the evening like a raccoon steals shiny things. You do not sound controlling for wanting a little eye contact and a shared laugh. I'd pitch it as a comfort upgrade for both of you. Try something like, hey, could we do a phone-free window after dinner, like 7 to 9, so we can hang and actually land the conversation. If there is something time sensitive, we keep ringers on for family and work and just flip the rest face down. Make it a team ritual with a tiny prop, a bowl by the couch, and you both drop them in together. You can even start smaller, one show's length or just during meals, and adjust based on how it feels. The tone matters more than the rules, so keep it warm and curious, not courtroom formal. You are asking for connection, not obedience, and most partners will hear that.

I used to draft paragraphs, apologize three times, then panic-send nothing. The only thing that worked was a single line: I need some solo time this week, can we catch up Saturday? Say it once, don't justify, exit the app. Turns out no one needed the dissertation but me.

It starts small and lingers; I fronted a cousin's cabin share and spent months drafting texts while the whole thing curdled. People avoid money talks because they're embarrassed, and you end up carrying the awkwardness and the bill. Ask with a date, but brace for it to change how you see them, and if it doesn't come, call it a lesson and stop fronting.