Am I being unfair about how we split chores

A simple framework that works is minimum standard plus ownership. Sit down once when you are both calm and list the recurring chores, then agree on what "done" looks like for each one so you are not arguing standards later. Assign end to end ownership for each task, meaning the owner plans it, does it, and closes the loop without reminders. Use a time and energy lens rather than a 50–50 tally, so the person with the heavier week takes shorter daily tasks while the other picks up the longer or weekend ones. The script I use is, "When I end up doing dishes and laundry most nights, I feel burned out and worried I'll resent you. I want us to feel like a team. Can we set clear owners and a check in so it stays fair even when our weeks are uneven?" Then decide on a swap rule so if someone gets stuck late, they can text and the other covers, and it automatically flips the next night so the debt does not linger.

For a tiny kitchen with no dishwasher, make dishes a daily nonnegotiable with one owner at a time. Set a concrete target like sink empty and counters wiped by bedtime, and use a five minute timer so it does not balloon. The person who cooks does not do dishes that night, or trade cooking for laundry if that fits your energy better. Do laundry on a cadence, like one load every two days, with a clear finish line of folded and put away that same day so baskets do not pile up. Add a 15 minute weekly huddle where you look at the coming week, reassign based on who is slammed, and ask three things out loud: what feels unfair, what worked, what needs to change. If emotions run high, use the script, "I'm not blaming you. I want a plan we can both live with," and stick to the agreed standards and owners rather than relitigating every task in the moment.

Do a quick weekly check-in, set a tiny WIP limit, and assign owners per day so there's no ambiguity. Match chores to energy windows, not hours worked, so it feels fair in practice. I built this to avoid writing a chapter, but it works.

Shared Google Keep checklist, recurring Calendar blocks, and a simple swap text when one of us is cooked. Whoever cooks is off cleanup, and dishes have a 24-hour rule so the sink never stacks. Cheap hack: one sponge each and a timer on the counter.

We weight each recurring task by average minutes and give each person a weekly target that balances over four weeks. If someone has a long day, the other picks up and the minutes roll forward so it evens out by month end. The sheet shows who is below target, so the person behind takes the next task with the highest minutes. Ten-minute Sunday review locks assignments and reduces resentment. Script stays neutral: I'm at 180 minutes, you're at 120, can you take dishes tonight or swap me your Saturday laundry. Yes, I track minutes.

Own less so there is less to wash. Two plates, two bowls, two mugs, and one-pot meals cuts your dish time in half. Script it: I'll handle laundry if we keep it to one load a week, can you take dishes on alternating nights.

Define done, then assign it to days and stop arguing with the sink. Example: M/W/F dishes are yours, T/Th mine, weekends the cook is exempt and the other cleans. Tiny kitchen math is ruthless, so prioritize frequency over heroics.

If it's lopsided now, it will stay lopsided unless you renegotiate.